‘We’re not asking’

By Roger Bill

Editor’s Note: During our correspondent’s recent vacation, he fell asleep one day in the Caribbean sun and awoke with a terrible headache and memories of a horrible dream in which he had interviewed U.S. President Donald Trump on behalf of The Shoreline. This is a transcript of what he remembers…

The Shoreline News Interview with Donald Trump

SN: You said if Canada becomes the 51st American state it can keep its national anthem. Correct?
DT: Yes, but maybe you’ll want to change the part about ‘True North Strong and Free’

SN: Ok, but what about Thanksgiving?
DT: Going to be the 4th Thursday in November.

SN: Boxing Day?
DT: Ha Ha.

SN: July 1st?
DT: July 4th now. Glorious Independence Day. Fireworks. You’re going to love it.

SN: The metric system?
DT: Nope, feet and inches.

SN: Minimum wage in Canada is $17.75.
DT: $7.50 in America, but up to the states if they want to pay more. But, it is US dollars. The mighty greenback. No more loonies and toonies.
SN: What about our universal health care system?
DT: Gone like Tommy Douglas. Oh, don’t remember him? Google it.

SN: But the Canadian health statistics are superior to U.S. outcomes in several ways. For example, the life expectancy of Canadians is longer than the life expectancy of Americans by several years.
DT: Where did Danny Williams go for surgery in 2010? St. John’s, Toronto, or Florida? And, our new Secretary of Health, Robert Kennedy Jr., is going to do a great job. Remember him? The one who threw a dead bear cub into Central Park and made it look like it’d been hit by a bicycle… very funny guy. It’s online. Google search Robert Kennedy + Bear Cub + Video.

SN: In Canada, reproductive health is a matter for a woman and her doctor, not the government. Women control their own bodies. Their right to choose to terminate a pregnancy is protected.
DT: In America a fertilized egg is a person, so no more murdering babies.
SN: Paid Maternity leave? 12 months in Canada.
DT: Up to the states. 12 weeks paid maternity leave in some. None in others.

SN: In Canada we have $10 a day daycare. In some states the annual daycare costs are more than the cost of college tuition.
DT: Between Elon Musk and I, we have 19 children by 7 different women. Canada should be asking us for advice about raising children.

SN: You are making English the official language of the United States. What about the millions of French speaking Canadians?
DT: They lost the war. Get over it.

SN: How about things like minority rights? For example, in Canada gay marriages are normal.
DT: When Canada becomes the 51st state we’ll send everybody a copy of the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Holy Bible. You’ll see how it works.

SN: Guns?
DT: Yessir! Right to bear arms. Automatic weapons. Open Carry. Guaranteed in the Bill of Rights.

SN: Active shooter drills in our schools comes with that, right?
DT: You’ll get used to it. We have.

SN: Anything else in it for Canada?
DT: I’ll give Montreal a baseball team.

SN: Oh, speaking of sports. Do we have to change the dimensions of our football field?
DT: Yep. And no more three downs. Four downs like the way the game is meant to be played.

SN: If Canada becomes the 51st state, are you going to ask France to throw in St. Pierre and Micquelon?
DT: America is back. It’s great again. We’re not asking.